


life is a conditional clause

by crookedspoon



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29258511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crookedspoon/pseuds/crookedspoon
Summary: Cloud pretends to be sick so he doesn't have to meet Zack. Well, heissick, but not in any way he can admit to anyone. He doesn't want the pity or the laughter.
Relationships: Zack Fair/Cloud Strife
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 6





	life is a conditional clause

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lunarium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunarium/gifts).



The shrill ringtone of his PHS is grating to Cloud's ears. He can imagine who it is and what he wants and Cloud longs to answer just to hear his voice. But he cannot.

The call goes to voicemail.

_"Hey, Cloud. It's Zack. Where are you, man? I thought we wanted to hang out today. Are you all right? Anyway, call me."_

Cloud is doubled over the bathroom sink; he's been looking forward to meeting Zack but he won't be coming now. No, he's not all right and he won't be calling back. He can't trust himself to speak.

Cloud washes his hands and rinses his mouth until the water is no longer running pink. He dries himself off, then fetches his PHS to type a reply.

Zack  
  
_Sorry for standing you up. I'm not feeling too hot right now._  
  
_Something the matter?_  
  
_Guess I caught a bug or something._  
  


As if on cue, another coughing fit wracks Cloud's body. Something is lodged in his throat and he's desperately trying to expel it. He's reminded of the nightmare he had as a child after seeing a magician pull handkerchief after coloured handkerchief out of his mouth, all knotted together like a big streamer and seemingly never-ending. In his nightmare, the streamer made of coloured handkerchiefs _was_ never-ending and he was choking on it. His only escape was to wake up.

What he pulls from his throat now is of finite length but no less horrifying.

His PHS chimes again.

_Sorry to hear that :( Let me know if there's anything I can do to help!_  
  
_Feel better soon._  
  


He reads the messages just before the screen goes dark.

 _Fat chance of that,_ Cloud thinks bitterly as he stares at the petal he's rolling between his bloody fingers. It's yellow and as long as his palm. Soft like silk, as though freshly fallen off its stem. Zack's girlfriend would know the species; if Cloud is not mistaken he's seen her carry it in a basket... has seen her give one to Zack. Has seen Zack wear it tucked behind the straps of his uniform.

His throat clenches.

Even thinking about her hurts. It had hurt from the first time Zack mentioned her, wearing a smile so bright it could have broken open a rainy sky, although it did nothing to dispel the sudden darkness that had descended upon Cloud. Somehow, his world had been falling apart and he was not yet ready to piece together why. He had become dizzy, his heart pounding rapidly, his mouth dry, and his entire body feeling weak.

At first he'd thought he was just coming down with a cold. Nothing to complain about. If he wanted to be a SOLDIER – like Sephiroth, like Zack – then he couldn't let a little chest pain stop him. Besides, he's had worse colds growing up. It would go away eventually, he told himself. His health has always been sturdy.

Though not this time. 

This time his condition did not improve, no matter what he did. It only grew worse. He was short of breath even when doing light exercise. That shortness of breath soon became a dry cough. It wasn't until he tasted blood that he knew he was in trouble.

How could he not have noticed? In hindsight, it was all so obvious. The way his heart skipped a beat when Zack slung his arm around his shoulder. The way his mood instantly improved when he spotted him in a crowd, or the way he smiled stupidly every time he got a text from him.

Cloud had hopelessly fallen for his best friend. 

The irony is that Cloud could surely have learned to live with it – a guy like Zack would never notice someone like Cloud. At least not in that way. And that's okay. Cloud is happy enough just to be his friend. 

He could have lived with it if he weren't dying from it.

Unless... unless he told Zack about his feelings. It would slow the spread, at least long enough for him to seek treatment, or so the accounts go. Not that he has much to go on but forum posts and the general media narrative. It's a romanticised disease, but not one well studied. The sample sizes are too small.

And so Cloud is left to his own devices. He cannot even go to the Shinra doctors for advice – or dares not, not after he so unceremoniously failed his SOLDIER exams. They'd have to share the information with his superiors and Cloud is convinced his superiors would leave out no opportunity to shame him for it. And if the other grunts learned that he is heartsick on top of not being SOLDIER material... The hazing would never stop.

He sits down on his narrow bed, head in his hands, torn between laughter and despair. Kind of funny that he worries more about dying of embarrassment and shame than he does about actually dying. It just doesn't seem real, despite the petals he hacks up and the pain that makes it hard to breathe.

But no, he can't tell Zack, no matter what the others would or wouldn't do. Let them laugh if they must. Better that than show him pity. Cloud can't burden Zack with that knowledge. Zack is not the type to just ignore that. He'd want to help out Cloud in any way he can, and Cloud is kind of afraid that he would break up with his girlfriend to save him.

(A disgusting part of Cloud harbours the secret hope that Zack would do just that, end his relationship and tell Cloud that it was him he liked all along. Even if it's a lie. Even if it's just pretend. It's pathetic. And it makes Cloud feel like the biggest asshole on the planet.)

He can't do that to Zack. It wouldn't be right.

Cloud lies back on the bed, staring at the ceiling, then rolls onto his side when he notices he can't breathe that way. He goes through his phone's contacts, but there's no one he can share this burden with, no one he can ask for advice. 

Up until now, Cloud had not noticed how alone he is, adrift in this big city of Midgar. He had left his mother and Tifa behind when he set out to become a SOLDIER. Now that this dream has shattered, he cannot face them anymore. The other infantrymen are no more than passing acquaintances, nice enough if he has questions about their training schedule or the layout of the Shinra Tower, but not exactly people he can open up his heart to.

In all his time in Midgar, the only friendship he'd managed to strike up was with Zack. Or, well, maybe it was the other way around. Zack is welcoming and open, and he gets along with everyone. It was easy to be his friend. Cloud's moods never bother him, whether he was tired or grumpy or morose, and greeted him with a smile so infectious Cloud would grow embarrassed of his lack of composure each time. He had a way of making Cloud feel special. The trouble is that he's that way with everyone and by the time Cloud noticed that he was, in fact, not special, it was too late.

Cloud lets his PHS slip from his fingers with a sigh that threatens to turn into another cough. What is he supposed to do? He has no idea how long he can hide this or even if he should, and what would happen if anyone found out. He can't let Zack find out, that's for sure. The knowledge of Cloud's imminent death wouldn't _crush_ him per se, but it would hurt him. And that's the last thing Cloud wants.

It seems that whatever he chooses, there's no way around making Zack sad in the end. He'll just have to figure out a way to make it as gentle on him as possible. 

And he'll have to figure it out soon. There's no waking up from _this_ nightmare this time.

**Author's Note:**

> In case you need more angst: after writing this, I stumbled upon the tag "Sex with Object of Unrequited Love in Attempt to Cure Hanahaki but it Only Makes it Worse" and made myself sad imagining it. Join me in being sad if you want to!


End file.
